corinaisaloser

Don't laugh, it's a dream I had.

2007-12-04T18:09:21Z

Day 1
Some strange things happened yesterday. My family and I went walking, to see the leaves falling in incandescent shades. We went back to the house and started the housecleaning we had intentionally put off all week. Around 4, as the sun started to sink behind the trees, the stray we sometimes fed and played with stumbled onto our porch and fell down spreadeagled. We tried to feed him and make him drink some water, but it was no use. We were going to bury him, when the sky lit up like the stereotypical doomsday we'd all seen on TV. We all ran inside, locked the doors and windows, and closed the blinds. We stayed inside all night, and listened to the firestorm outside, that somehow wasn't a firestorm, because although there was fire falling from the air, nothing was burnt and nothing was destroyed. It sounded like giants walking over our house, and when I woke up we were all sitting in a circle, back to back. We didn't go outside. When I looked out the window, I saw giant statues of dogs' heads. It made me think of the famous Easter Island heads, staring away from the shore, content to never turn around and watch the tourists arrive.
Now that I'm writing this down, I realize that I'm writing the journal of a place invaded. This isn't our home anymore. It's gone to the dogs.

Day 37
We're certain that the dogs have everyone under their control. The News stations have tried to maintain that nothing is wrong. I think they're starting to slip.
I sent a text message yesterday, and a little window popped up on my phone that said, “loading AP.” I watched as a little bar filled from right to left with the words, “AP progress,” directly above. I didn't know what it meant, but that had never happened to me before. Earlier today, a grandfather-looking man came to my door, and said he needed shelter from the dogs. There wasn't a car. I was so happy to see another person that I let him in with no questions. We talked while I secured the locks. His answers were strange, but I was still happy about seeing another person. While I checked the back door and he wandered into the kitchen, I asked him what his family did. He said, “Oh, you know, capitalizing like I'm doing.” There were literally warning bells going off in my head. I walked into the kitchen and he was wearing a lacy bra and short denim shorts. I tried to yell for my sister, but my tongue wouldn't cooperate. I was stuttering, “ly,” while he advanced on me with the rolling pin from on top of the toaster oven. Fortunately, my sister and mother came into the kitchen and beat the man until he fell unconscious. His shape turned from a grandfatherly figure in frilly undergarments to a Great Dane lying on our floor. We couldn't let him live. It was one of the worst things I've ever had to do.

I saw a commercial not long after my encounter. It said, “text AP to find REAL PEOPLE!” That must be how they found us. I already knew they were tracking the internet. Now they have the phones too.

Day 60
Nothing has happened for a few weeks now. The television shows have slowly been replaced with Dog propaganda. The propaganda told us we deserved this. That we had beaten, starved, shot Dogs, forced them to fight each other for our gain. It said that we rubbed chemicals into their skin to see if it would fall off, and cut their muscles off to see what medicines did to it. It was all true. I was on the verge of turning myself in to Their authorities. I turned the TV off instead.

With no internet, no television, and no phones, we had reached a new plateau of loneliness. We told the same stories and worked in the greenhouse. Eventually, we just stopped talking. It didn't matter, there was nothing new to say.

Day 78
We don't have water anymore. Maybe the Dogs broke it on purpose. Maybe the pipes were just old. But we have enough water for a little bit. Maybe we can catch the rain and use it.

Day 85

That's it, we're leaving. I don't know how long we're going to last. Nobody drives cars anymore- Dogs don't have opposable thumbs. The fact that we're still here, still alive, is going to be glaringly obvious. But we ran out of water. We're desperate people now.

Spring
There weren't any cars on the road. There weren't any service station workers, or locks on the gas. We drove to the coast and found an untouched beach house with no bodies in or around it. For food, we planted another garden and sometimes robbed the grocery stores that still have nonperishables. We raided the surf shops and took fashions a year old.

Sometimes, we would see a Dog walk past. It scared us, and we would try to hide. The Dogs paid us no mind though. We may as well be the last people on earth. I'm still hopeful that another human will wander into our area. Of course, we're so careful that it would be hard to find us. I think any other people left will be the same way.
Of course, this world with no people would be a wonderful place to grow up. The food is pure and the pollution is going away. Most of the cities have been destroyed, and before too long all the forests will grow back. We have all the technology we need, and we don't make anything new so we don't test anything on animals.

It's a Utopia. A lonely Utopia.

I never promised you a ray of light; why do you put me on a pedestal?

2007-11-27T00:42:32Z

I wonder if the rest of Haley James Scot's music is any good. All I have is halo, but I like it alot. I guess that's what Limewire is for.

Lysandra, I did not mean to make you feel any worse about Linden. But I really do think you should use your energy to find someone else to talk to.

But seriously, this isn't music I normally listen to. But I like it, somehow.

I will be chasing your starlight 'til the end of my life.

2007-11-20T02:44:33Z

i don't need anyone, i guess. least of all you.

i'll go inside myself like i always do. it's not escapism if i can't get away from my problems, i cultivate them like plants no matter who i rely on. inside myself, they grow and bud, the same DNA, complications i know so well with their familiar facets a uniform shade, despite my weeding, my cyclical recoveries. with friends there's no difference, the problems stay there, friends don't really fix anything but they grow so different, the colors catch my eye and i watch the complications arise and abate fueled by different genetic material and i'm powerless when the colors are so pretty, the shades catch my eye and make me smile moments until i catch my mistake; this is nothing to smile about, i'm going down, like always. the exotic growths manifest so oddly 'til i think i'd give anything to see this bone, it's not unnatural how pretty i would look then a few weeks later i miss what i've misplaced. so long, but it wasn't so goddamned long ago. just go back to how you were, curl inside yourself and let your hair grow around you like a wreath to keep you safe. listen to the music you know and sing the words out of pitch because it doesn't matter and it never will. push everything away because nothing's real anymore, you can pinch yourself as much as you want and it doesn't hurt, of course it doesn't hurt, remember when you stopped feeling things, it was to protect you, don't try to feel it's better this way. and talk to people you don't like and smile at them, so hollowly, but not enough for them to tell. this is the real you, after all. and sleep. remember how that was? stay under blankets in the dark with your eyes closed until you're forcing them closed and breathing through your nose so slowly nobody can tell you're there but it didn't matter before and it still doesn't matter. and i'm still chasing my quandary, because it's what i've always done and what i'll always do.

shut up corina. just feed people rice krispies treats and tell them how to phrase their papers that took them three times as long to write but they care so much. and walk with them to the car in the rain, don't let them feel silly to walk outside by themselves. and change your expression to fit the story they tell, because that's all people want in friends these days, real friends are friends until after they die and humanity's unnecessary, we can all be the clones we've always been but everyone's too used to the false notion of individuality, so used to thinking we aren't all the same person, fighting the exact same battles and just as needy as everyone else because i am everyone else and you are everyone else and everyone else is everyone. and what if everyone, ourselves are so powerful that we're being walked on and we know it but only because we're too fucking lazy to get up and help ourself out, out of the slums we've even created because we needed somewhere to put the people that fate cheated out of a decent birth, out of a modern aristocracy that's so easily lost and harder won, because they can't grow healthily-we can't let the lower class be as happy as everyone born luckier. and the ones born lucky never stay lucky so the slums are always kept open for the unlucky but we call them dirty and we call them poor. thank god for our modern society.

and no matter what i started out thinking and typing about, i'm back to society and it's all his [society's] fault. sometimes i need to write apostrophes to myself. and sometimes i need to let everyone who cares know that i'm vulnerable and hey, i'm a survivor (just like everyone else alive, everyone who hasn't succumbed to something or other, it was strong but i was stronger) and my mind chases itself and eats itself and the regurgitations are my thoughts.

how i wish my brain wasn't comprised of vomit.

My lemon-llama, my Lexipro-prone love, my Leanne.

2007-11-18T15:12:38Z

I've got to stop pulling this doing a paper the day before it's due shit. I can do that when there's no research involved, but not if it's a 5-page research paper that I had a month to do. I can do that on Mr. Hood's papers, and Professor Graves' papers, because they're 2-page...anecdotes, really. It's not difficult to crank one out in an hour or so. A good one I would give two hours.

Thank you procrastination!

I'm going to stop pretending that I didn't break your heart.

2007-11-12T23:02:26Z

Why do I write bulletin after bulletin, blog after blog, when I really need to be writing a paper, or two, or three? Why haven't I done my calculus homework that I've had three days to work on?

At least I'll only have to deal with this shit for a little bit longer. In a week, I will have finished all my papers for Western Civ, and I'll only have one more to do for Mr. Rogers. And my classes at acc will be over in less than a month. I've liked them, more than my classes at Eastern, but they have been a bit of work. Actually, if I take another history course next semester, that's all the history courses I need for App. And I have my freshman and sophomore english classes taken care of, depending on my final grades for Mr. Rogers and what I get on the AP exam.

We don't have alot of water at my house. I should eat an apple instead. Wtf, the phone rang half a ring and then stopped. I've been watching cartoons all day. I shouldn't have.

I always catch the clock, it's 11:11, now you wanna talk.

2007-11-12T04:42:23Z

It's not hard to dream you'll always be my Konstantine.

I really enjoyed going to App with Alyssa. She's really nice, and deep, and thoughtful. Not to mention she has hundreds of CDs in her car. I love music I haven't heard before. That's why I don't mind listening to the radio every once in a while, it's all pretty much new to me. We listened to Wheat and M.S.I. and sang loudly to True Affection. We didn't talk much on the way there, and only a little on the way back. I feel bad about it, because I know I'm no fun unless I actually know people sort of well, which is difficult when I'm incredibly placid on first meeting people. But it was hands-down a better trip than going with Zaque's mom. Theresa is nice, but I sometimes have this suspicion that she doesn't like me as much as she seems to, just with occasional biting comments about not eating meat, or that I cry over everything.

My brain has been leaking out my nose all day. I'm glad it didn't start yesterday though. Last night, Zaque and I shared Franklin's bed, but my nose was stopped up so I whistled all night. I woke up whistling. And when Zaque woke up (an hour later) he told me I had whistled all night. Poor kid. Having to deal with my ranting, shivering and teeth-chattering all day and then forced to hear my nose whistling all night.

Of course, I've told my mother I stayed with Chelsea. I doubt she would mind, but I don't want to test it, not really.

I have two papers due this week. I've done neither. For Mr. Hood's, I can do a bare minimum and probably manage a third A. For Mr. Rogers', I will have to work much harder. I have until Tuesday and Thursday, respectively. Then a paper for Western Civ on the next monday. Woot. But after this week of a bunch of papers, I have one more for Mr. Rogers, and either one or two more for Mr. Hood. And they will be easy papers, two-page essays that I can just use pretty prose to impress and flatter my teachers. That's what I love about writing for non-english teachers. As long as your language sounds graceful and euphonic, you can bullshit the entire paper. It's great, really.

I'm in love with how you feel.

2007-11-09T02:59:48Z

People make me physically sick. Acting intelligent is better than acting rich or acting pompous. Why shouldn't someone decide that they want to act "smarter"? I see no way that could be interpreted as anything other than an effort to improve oneself. So before you decide that "acting smart" is so terrible, and such a horrible thing to pretend to be, why don't you give yourself a moment to think about it?
Come on, all those smart-asses are doin' it!

I'm deeply enamored with my writing voice. It's so effortlessly elegant. I like rereading what I write, especially the papers I know I did well on, or blogs I'm proud of- even if I no longer agree with what I was arguing, I can still appreciate the eloquence discovered in it- or emails to people I still use capitalization and punctuation with.
If that makes me a pompous asshole, fine. Humility is so overrated as is.

Besides, you're probably holding hands with some skinny pretty girl that likes to talk about bands.

2007-11-05T00:25:46Z

I like tilting my head when people ask how my weekend was. It's funny to see someone's reaction and then see them think, "damn, I wasn't asking about your sex life."

This whole long-distance relationship shit is really starting to bug me. Not because I'm missing Zaque like crazy, but because I'm not anymore. Have I already grown accustomed to seeing him for only 2 or 3 days a month already? I mean, I think I love him. My feelings for him are so much stronger, and in a weird way, more pure in some way, than my feelings have been for anyone else. And over the summer especially, I figured that if it wasn't love it didn't matter to me, I would settle for this strong, pure feeling he seems to give me. But how can I assume to love him if I don't even miss the catholic bastard?

There's a full week of school this week, monday off at Eastern, and then it's the week of Thanksgiving. Which is good, another month until Xmas, and winter break. I don't know what all is going on with that. I would like to. I want to know if I'm going away for Thanksgiving and I want to know if I'm going away for Xmas. Zaque invited me to Florida for winter break.

After this semester, I'll have my 2 ACC classes done with. Maybe I will take more. Maybe I will not. I'll have to take the English AP test, and maybe talk Coach Parker into letting me take the AP Calculus exam. Then half of my freshman year of college would be done, little or no fuss. I dont know if I'll be able to finish my freshman year before I go away. I hope so. Vermin wants me to room with her at App. I don't want to. I'd rather live with Sami. I'm trying to get away from my family, for Lysandrasakes.

Sometimes there are rainbows in the oil when all we want to see is asphalt.

2007-10-27T18:53:29Z

I need to stop fucking around and start working on my papers. If I did well on my literary analysis, I will get an A. If I did poorly, I will not be able to exept the exam. If I remembered how to use my calculator to properly do calculus, I will get an A. If not, I will not be able to exempt the exam.

Why can't I study the right way?

Even though the rocks come out shining doesn't mean they're diamonds.

2007-10-26T00:46:36Z

AHAHAHA. If I have shit set to private, that means don't pry.

Bitches.

Parody, travesty, and politics.

2007-10-22T05:01:52Z

Yeah, I'm GREAT at doing papers at the appropriate time. I stick by what I do remember at one point saying to someone who may or may not have heard me, that I do better on my school work when I'm out of it. Yar. Rough paraphrase there, of course.

No coffee invitations for weeks, over a month I bet, and then two in five minutes. K.

Put the blame on me so you won't feel a thing.

2007-10-18T00:35:08Z

Go on and save yourself.
Take it out on me.

I'm really behind on my papers. It's because I'm thinking about them too much. I do far better when I write frantically. Otherwise, the words get stuck somewhere. It's wednesday. I like this cover of Seven Nation Army. It's by Audioslave.

"How's your 'lover'?" "Yeah, my laptop is GREAT!"

2007-10-14T06:52:45Z

I made a smoothie this morning, but Zaque showed up before I finished it. I was happily surprised to find it in the fridge at 2 when I got home. That was very nice of my mom.

I need to go to sleep. It's almost 3. Zaque will probably call my house at 8 tomorrow. I should be prepared. By which I mean awake, clean, and fed. Yeah.

He's really bothered by this whole 'impotence' thing. I don't think it's a very big deal. I mean, we're both virgins. We don't know what the hell we're doing. And it always takes us a few tries to get things right. So why should he expect us to get sex right the first time?

I sent Sami a text asking if she and Alex ever body-queaf. She thought I was asking if her stomach makes digestive noises. Silly. It wasn't nearly as funny as I thought it would be.

Shit. Peer review day is technically tomorrow. Why did I wait until I got my laptop?

"They have sushi!" "Oh?" "Yeah, and it's really cheap!" "Oh..."

2007-10-12T13:21:05Z

I'm so tired and my computer has the wrong time on it. Yes, my computer. That's a nice thing to say. I walked around alot this morning looking for Lysandra. I have concluded she isn't here. That's sad.

Veronica really does love me. Mom was complaining about how I get home late and don't call very often. Veronica said, "I do that." My mom's reasoning is that Veronica is in college, so she doesn't have to call or come home in a timely manner. Veronica countered with, "Corina's in college too."
But she is much nicer now that she doesn't live here all the time. And to be fair, I only come in late when I hang out with Zaque, and never after midnight. I don't hang out with anyone else, except Lysandra and Sami sometimes. But I drive when I hang out with either of them and I don't have my after-nines.

I'm probably going to be late to school today. It's not unusual. I never feel motivated to get to school on time, especially when I'm excused to stay out of school until about eleven or so.

I think I'm one of Ms. Collings' favorites. I feel a little bit bad about it, because I get away with alot of things that other people don't. But I really like that I have a 99 and all I have to do is crack jokes once or twice a week in the front of the class.

Fine, I'm wearing my glasses today.

she dreamed that my indian grandfathers lined up to accept me, one by one.

2007-10-10T01:54:38Z

I'm tired of feeling like feces. I want to be around people, but only so they hug me and love on me and tell me that they're there, and I don't have to tell them what's wrong if I don't want to.

That's one thing I don't like about Zaque. If I tell him I don't feel like doing something, he asks why. If I tell him I'm upset, he asks why. I suppose he's trying to be a perceptive boyfriend, but I've had those. They weren't anything good. I don't mind asking for help or solace when I need it. I know that he is too proud to do anything like that, and I have to force him to let me tell him it's alright, he doesn't have to be the best at everything. Sometimes when he gets upset, he won't even look at me. He won't look me in the eye. When that happens, I know I haven't done anything wrong. I doubt he would waste (ha) the opportunity to give me that accusatory glare.

It's almost Wednesday again. I'm happy that everything seems to be sliding by, because I'm not particularly enjoying myself. Being miserable is fun in its' own way, I suppose. I'm worried that by the time I am enjoying myself, I won't know how to let things slow down. And people say that you can always enjoy things in your memories, but I can't remember them.

I was at Sami's once, ages ago. Jake had fallen asleep on the old greyish chair, before they got both chairs with legs that went horizontal if you stroked the sidebar just right. He was sitting up and he said his foot hurt, so being the nice girl I once was, I massaged it for him. And then he kicked me or yelled something and it was obvious he was asleep.
I don't remember this incident at all.

Sometimes I see pictures that remind me. Not just of what the picture's of, but everything that happened around then. I try to reconstruct the moment exactly. Who I was looking at, what it felt like to wear those clothes, things that happened at school or at home in the week. I normally do pretty well for myself.
But I have no way of knowing how much of the picture I'm remembering and understanding. Enough to satisfy, but enough to know?

Knowing's overrated anyways.

...and the boombox on my shoulder was a box of clementines.

2007-10-08T21:28:39Z

Depressed and defeated, I sit here typing. I don't know what's depressing me, or who I've lost to. But there you have it.

On Wednesday, I'm getting a laptop and my Zaque is coming back for a few days. I want it to be Wednesday. I don't want it to be Wednesday. I want to go ahead and start bleeding out my uterus, but I don't. I was indecisive this morning, but now I'm not so sure.

This whole "life is transitory" thing really has me in a...tizzy? I'm going to assume that's why I wasn't myself today.

reading your messages and i almost smell your cologne

2007-10-03T04:00:15Z

it depends on a lot of things. your feelings, your world-view, the last time you experienced physical contact or sex. what does, you may ask.
everything.
no matter who is talking or what it might be about, everyone has a certain unintentional prejudice, a filter if you will. because you have a natural prejudice does not make you judgmental. to enrich your prejudice and not realize it, or even to recognize it and still believe you're right...that makes you judgmental.

i know i'm not making sense.
i'm tired. and i do greatly love to type.

i haven't taken the SAT yet, but i must on saturday. i'm a little worried, because the highest math on it is algebra 2 and i took that about 2 years ago. algebra is no longer my strong point. of course, my writing has drastically improved, so that should help me to be amazing.

the bastards from the appalachian administrative office haven't emailed me yet. i'm sending another this sunday, but i swear to lysandra that if they don't reply by the 12th, i'm going to call every administrator there and tell them to hire new people to answer specific inquiries. or i might just die. whichever. i really need them to. i have questions. many of them. some are involving summer classes and AP tests. others involve entering as a sophomore so i only have to go to 3 years there. still another field of questions stems from the lack of information on "[pursuing] a bachelor of science in geology, with a concentration in paleontology." i can hear people get bored even as i say it.

i'm very excited about getting my laptop soon.